FORGIVE ME

One of our previous dogs, Sophie Mae, reached adult behavior by 6 months of age. If she wanted to chew on something like a chair leg, I’d just give her a chew toy instead and say, “Sophie’s toy.” She’d look at me with a face that said, “well, alright, do you think I’m stupid?” When I told her “good girl, all is forgiven,” she’d say, “oh goodie, let’s play ball!”  The problem never presented itself again, as she took correction as instruction, learned from it, and went happily on her way. 

Lily Rose, on the other hand, was such a sensitive little soul. She was so aware of everything she had ever done that she lived in fear of being murdered by me, which is silly, ’cause I never murdered her, not even once. Not when she chewed furniture or shoes. Not when she visited the kitty box looking for a midnight buffet. Not when she shredded toilet paper all over the house.

Lily’s way of dealing with anxieties, after destroying something, was to hurl herself on her back and go into leg-kicking spasms of guilt while shrieking, “forgive me, don’t kill me!” Even though I was far from happy about her escapades, we kept working on the anxieties and after a couple of years, the destructive tendencies subsided. But through her life, she absorbed and held onto everything that she, or Sophie, or every dog in the world, has done wrong, living in a constant state of self-imposed guilt and unforgiveness, spasming on the floor at the least little thing, sometimes for hours, laying there on her back, internally screaming “I'm horrible, don't look at me!” She never truly believed she was forgiven, even as I’m saying, “let’s play ball.” She’s saying, “no, I can’t play! I can’t forgive myself!.”

Which has led me to think about stuff in my own life that I’ve thought I couldn’t forgive myself for. Imagine my surprise the day I realized that God never says anything about that. Because it’s not my job to forgive me. It’s already accomplished! If I insist on wallowing in my sin, I can’t commune with other believers, and I can’t fellowship with God. Because of what Christ has done on the cross, all my sins have been permanently forgiven (Luke 5:20; 1 John 2:12) and I'm reconciled to God. If I selfishly insist on wallowing in my already-forgiven sin, I’m telling Him that what He did isn’t good enough, that instead I still have to fix things for myself. I'm ignoring the obvious -- that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

Thank You, my Jesus, that because of Your perfect work on the cross, I can move on in joyful communion with You. If all I do is concentrate on my past sins, or how I might sin tomorrow, I’m fixing my eyes on myself, when I should be focusing on You (Hebrews 12:2).  I do still sin, but upon repentance and asking for Your forgiveness, I truly believe that I'm forgiven because You said so (1 John 1:9), not based upon my own flawed feelings. Because of that, I can experience daily freedom, joy, and the peace that only You can give (John 14:27).

WONDERING AS I WANDER

 

Today, my hubs and I had a rather Twilight-Zone-ish experience.  All we wanted was to use a gift card to dine out at a favorite local restaurant.  We drove the 20 minutes, zoomed into the parking lot, and saw … a ghostly building with a “closed permanently” sign on the front door.  What a drag.  Oh well, we’ll just Google the address of the second restaurant on the gift card.  And by golly, this restaurant ALSO was permanently closed!  Whaaaat?  Ok, the third restaurant on the card we KNEW was open because we’d eaten there a couple of weeks ago.  We drove another 20 minutes and arrived at a very closed building, but for this day only, for preventative repairs.  By now, my stomach is gurgling and my blood sugar is starting to dive, and those little peppermint patties in my purse are siren-calling to me. I’m muttering in my mind that this is too hard, we should just go home and have a double-decker p.butter/jelly.  We forget about the gift card and head for another favorite reliable restaurant … you guessed it.  Finally, luck came with #5, where we indulged in something breaded, cheesy, and gooey.  I desired a huge chocolate cake to finish off the meal, mostly to sublimate my confusion and low-level frustration, but I refrained from cake today.

 

Why am I dragging you along for this ride, you ask?  Because, as usual, in my pondering of bad “luck” the Lord showed me to myself.  Again.  As I insolently  asked Him, “so, exactly what was I supposed to learn from this runaround today?” and He said, “go sit in a corner with my Word and think about it.”

 

Ya know how when you’re reading in the Old Testament about the wandering, grumbling, disobedient Israelites in the desert for 40 years, and you think to yourself, “well, I would never behave that way.”  Really?  Pride, much?  I then saw a gross similarity between me and them.  I was wanting to go home and have pb&j.  They wanted to go back to Egypt where all the yummy food was (Exodus 16:2-3).  I grumbled about running in circles all over town for an hour, dodging road construction.  They “were impatient because of the journey” and dodging the Lord’s disciplinary lessons (Numbers 21:45).  Oh yeah, I’m waaaaay more righteous and pious than those guys.

 

My God, how I thank You, first for causing me to ask You for your purpose (even though with an attitude).  And second, for Your immediate answer.  I thank You that I needn’t worry about dying in the wilderness as immediate punishment for my attitude, because I know that You have already permanently transferred me to your Kingdom.  I need fear no divine vengeance from You, knowing that your loving divine discipline is for my good and Your glory.  I praise Your patience and tender mercy in dealing with me, your whiny child, teaching me to whine less, glorify me less, and praise You more.